The last few weeks have honestly been some of the best in my entire life. I’ve got closer to old friends and made new ones. I’ve mucked around and taken part in a play. I’ve discovered that the right dress can make you feel stunning no matter your size (good shoes help too) and even when you hate how big you look in photos there’s always going to be a pretty one if you’re enjoying yourself (and often your favourite won’t be the prettiest but the one in which you were happiest).
I feel so lucky to have come this far and to have met so many lovely and hilarious people. It makes me sad that some of them won’t be here next year but I’m so excited to be coming back for the Masters and I don’t even think being at home for three months will be that bad.
Got the degree classification I needed for my Masters. I’m kind of in two minds about the result because while I’m happy with the overall mark, I got a fairly low mark for my dissertation and I’m simultaneously excited for next year and thinking about everything I did wrong or didn’t do enough of for my dissertation. My friend pointed out that I’ve done really well with everything that’s been going on this year but I’ve been brought up to judge myself on my grades and even though I’ve made so much progress in every other area, I still feel like I’ve failed a little.
I keep trying to tell myself that doing well enough to qualify for the Masters in a year when I was up into the kind of ‘this is worrying’ section on the counselling evaluation is still doing really well but I still end up feeling lazy and stupid and underachieving because of that dissertation mark.
Last night was the final night of the play and I realised that I’d started messing around like the rest of the cast. I didn’t have the confidence to really do that in the last play I was in but in the last week or so I’ve been play-fighting and pulling faces and making stupid jokes along with the rest of them and it was so much fun.
I also felt very happy at the afterparty because one friend said ‘You’re so cute, you’re always so happy and friendly,’ and by 3am I was very drunk and very emotional and the only thing that upset me was the fact that I wanted my bed and none of the taxi companies were answering their phones. At no point was I sat in the corner feeling horrible or trying to hide myself away because I felt too big next to my rather skinny friends, in fact none of that even crossed my mind the entire night.