For a long time I’ve felt like something was missing, I’m start to think that one of the many reasons my ED started was that I wanted something to fill that gap I didn’t understand. I was going to be tiny and perfect, that was going to be my ‘thing’. Of course that didn’t happen, everything just got so much worse.
I decided I wanted to go to Oxford University because the most of my family has. I’m now glad I didn’t get in because I absolutely love where I ended up. I discovered I could bake and started a food blog because I saw others creating beautiful blogs but I didn’t really have a real passion for it. When I discovered fitblrs and first made this blog I was going to lose weight the ‘healthy way’ and teach myself to run and become as awesome and fit etc as every other fitblr out there. It ended up being another thing to feel guilty about when I didn’t manage or when I didn’t eat or do the ‘right’ things. I nearly ran for Assistant Social Secretary at university, again hoping to find something fulfilling that would identify me. My friend decided she wanted to run for it and she was already involved in various things so I could never have won and now I’m glad I didn’t even run because I didn’t truly want it, I just wanted something.
Now that I’m regaining all the things I love and in a way finding myself, I feel largely complete for the first time. I know who I am, for the most part I know what I want and I’m living to my own desires and standards rather than those of others. I went to the gym for the first time in over a week today and I didn’t force myself onto to treadmill to try and achieve the fitblr inspired goal of running a 5k. I went on a cross-trainer and a bike because I prefer them. I went on the weight machines simply because I enjoy feeling strong and I really quite like my arms now that they’re mostly muscle. I will continue to exercise not because I feel I must but because I sleep better and feel stronger when I do something active a few days a week. I’m reading again and rapidly building a list of things to read. I have a list of things to paint and I’m excited by the thought of attempting every one. That something I was missing was my creativity, a beautifully simple word with so much meaning. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that fill the aching crack in your heart.